I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
