Moan for me like Helen Keller
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
