my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
one might say we're banned from that church
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
