The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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