WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
