At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
