I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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