We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
