I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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