did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
