i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
