last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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