New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
