Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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