She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
