My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize