I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Are my feet made of real feet?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
