Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
