Me. At least after what I've been through.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
