I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
