i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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