Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
