he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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