Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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