Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
