the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just googled if crying burns calories
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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