it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
