If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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