hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
