You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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