all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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