there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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