Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
