my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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