I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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