she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
