Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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