i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
