My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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