The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
