I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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