this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
