Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
