I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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