So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
