i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
