Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
