Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
