My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
