you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
