We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
