i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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