I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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