That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
