I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
