make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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