I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
