he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
