Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
