Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
