I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
